Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
