if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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