this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
