Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
