i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize