My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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