He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
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there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
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I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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