I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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