Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
