i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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