he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Help. Why am I so naked?
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