the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Houston, we have a blender
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
