How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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