I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
