dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
