I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Randomize
