I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
