Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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