somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You may now shotgun with the bride
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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