my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
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