I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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