in pain and im wearing pink underwear
i dont own pink underwear
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls