just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
