I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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