I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
P.S. I can't hear my feet
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
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