I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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