You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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