True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
