Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
