I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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