I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
