Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Drunk is not a location!
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