you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
