dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
