The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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