We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
