i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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