Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
