Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize