tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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