Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
