You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
i've created a new STD.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
