i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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