That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
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He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
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Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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