When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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