Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
