If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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