Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
