I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
