I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
