you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
