so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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