you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
We were destined to go to rehab together
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
