Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
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