my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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