i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Hippo gnu deer
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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