So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
