Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
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I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
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And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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