We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Randomize
