Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
